Saturday, September 30, 2006

Always Be Prepared

This story has been rattling around in my brain since my trip to the doctor this week. I debated whether to put in on paper, then possibly publishing it here at Globasylum. I could hear my daughters sceaming, “M-A-A-H-M-M ! ! N-O-O-O ! ! N-O-O-O-O ! !
Remember in my profile I said that sometimes I embarrass my children, well, this will be one of those times.
I considered writing it in Third Person about my friend.
"I have this friend who I took to the doctor the other day. She. . . "
But you people are too smart to fall for that one.
Then, I read Ree’s post about her peeing in her bed, the neighbor's bed, on their couches. . . and this post pales in comparison.
So, girls, you may want to stop reading here. Be thankful, at least I didn't post a picture with this story. It could be worse.

Going to the doctor is not on my top ten list of favorite things to do. Giving a urine sample is not on any of my lists. Calling the triage nurse and discussing my symptoms ranks up there in between the two aforementioned items.
"I know what is wrong. It happened about 4 years ago. It is on my chart. Can’t you just call in a prescription?"
O-h-h-h-h ! No-o-o-o-o!
My appointment is scheduled for F.I.V.E.H.O.U.R.S later.
I’m not in a lot of pain, but now I’m worried.
Worried that I won’t be able to produce that needed bit of liquid that’s always required. I never can. Not even if I avoided the bathroom for days, if I have to produce, I can’t.
Running water. Running water over my hand. Running water over my head. Running water over my body. Nothing for the little plastic cup.
Dipping my body into a vat of warm water. That might work.
So, since I have F.I.V.E.H.O.U.R.S. to wait I decide to be prepared. "Always be Prepared."I was never a Girl Scout or a Boy Scout, but I like that motto. And then there's Napoleon's motto, "If you're not prepared, at least look that way." Was that Napoleon who said that?
OK, back to the dilemma. What to put it in? Empty water bottle. Yes ! They are everywhere because I buy water by the case.
Done. No more worries. I am prepared.
I always keep water in my vehicle. Water bottles everywhere. Some empty. Some full. Some half-full. Some half-empty. (Yes, I’m both)
In the car, I carefully set my precious bottle in the little round hole provided for just such a thing, sitting just next to the bottle of water in the other little round hole.
NOTE TO SELF: Do NOT even think about drinking water on the way to the doctor’s office.
Entering the doctor's office I have my purse, my keys that I’m trying to get into my purse, my insurance information that I’m trying to get out of my purse, and my bottle.
The lady sitting behind the check-in counter smiles and asks for my name, doctor’s name, insurance, and I’m just trying to figure out where to set my bottle. Certainly, not on her counter. So, I carefully place it on the floor between my feet. Did I mention, I don’t buy small bottles of water? It’s one of those big a_ _ - honking ones.
Checked in and seated, I sit as far away from the elevator as possible. I certainly don’t want to have to carry on a conversation with someone with this rather large bottle of not-so-clear liquid in it cradled between my feet.
Magazine in hand but not reading, I’m watching for anyone who might recognize me and just hoping for the nurse to hurry and call my name. Elevator doors open and I recognize the gray-haired gentleman stepping out. I bury my face in the magazine but keep an eye on him. He checks in. This is a very large waiting room with about 65 chairs. I’m sitting inconspicuously in a far corner of this very large room. Then I hear “Kathryn”…that’s not my name, but that’s what he calls me.
It’s just a water bottle. Everyone carries them everywhere. He doesn’t have a clue what’s in my very large bottle.
Before he makes it across the room to where I am, the nurse calls my name. I am sprinting through the doors where I find her standing at the scales. Why do I have to be weighed in? My problem has nothing to do with my weight. OK?
I set my bottle down and much to my chagrin, learn I did gain 3 pounds last weekend.
The nurse notices my bottle and asked if I brought my sample with me.
“Yes ! I proclaim,” proudly.
“Has it been in the refrigerator?”
“Has it been in the refrigerator?”
“What refrigerator?”
“This has to be kept cold.”
“You want it chilled?”
“This has to be kept cold in order for us to get the correct results.”
Someone better start filling a vat of warm water.


Blogger SongBird said...

Dang, those doctors sure are persnickety!! They not only demand your urine, but it has to be chilled. Next time use an empty wine bottle and put it in one of those terra cotta things that hold the chill. Or, better yet, use an empty beer can encased in a huggie!

9/30/2006 09:10:00 PM  
Blogger Maria said...

Good one. And I second your motion about doctors. I HATE going. I swear their scales are deliberately 10 pounds more than regular ones. And I always get the nurse who acts like she is doing me a favor by letting me sit in the waiting room. The one who never calls the doctor in the first person, she refers to him as "doctor."
As in: "Doctor is busy with an emergency right now, but doctor will see you soon." Like he is God.

So, did you pee or not?

9/30/2006 10:05:00 PM  
Blogger her indoors said...

why does it need to be damn chilled its not chilled when it comes out lol

10/01/2006 03:54:00 AM  
Blogger G said...

When will the degradation end?! Very funny and also songbird's suggestion. When the nurse said that my immediate thought was "You should have told me you wanted a chardannay"! Let them stick that in their fridge.

10/01/2006 06:32:00 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

HeeHee! Did you pee? Or was it a wasted trip?

Your comments are almost as good as the story!

10/01/2006 07:00:00 AM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

Songbird: I think I'll go with the beer in the huggie, we call them koozies out here, because we use all our empty wine bottles as targets for our sling shot contests.

Laura: When I get on those scales, I take off everything I can and remain decent. And, yeah I did, but not before people started knocking on the door thinking I might have passed out in there.

HerIndoors: Would you like this 'On the rocks' takes on a whole new meaning here.

G: Maybe a nice pinot or reisling?
Have a little variety in that fridg.

Julie: Actually, the comments are much better than the story. I may just publish all the comments as a post this week. Yes,and they didn't have to fill the vat, I just sat in the sink.

10/01/2006 07:17:00 AM  
Blogger librarygoddess said...

Oh Great!!! Another morning of snorting coffee outma nose!!!

10/01/2006 08:56:00 AM  
Blogger C. said...

oh, they couldn't tell you this ahead of time, could they?? how embarassing!!

10/01/2006 09:13:00 AM  
Blogger BarnGoddess said...

funny story! I agree, those doctor's scales add 10 pounds, they are never the same as mine.

the only time I didnt have a hard time peeing for the doctor was when I was preggers,I could pee on command :)

10/01/2006 01:40:00 PM  
Blogger Susan in va said...

Oh, Swampwitch, I've been there and it's noooooo fun! I remember this one (ancient male) doctor that would not give me anything for the pain because "he didn't believe" in it. Then he told me that the pioneer women had to tough it out and that I would feel better in a couple of days. I looked at him and said, "clearly you've never had a bladder infection." ...probably not the best thing to say to the man holding the prescription pad...

10/01/2006 01:45:00 PM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

LibraryGoddess: You must stop snorting coffee in the mornings.

C: Actually it was funnier than it was embarassing for me, but I have a weird sense of humor.

BarnGoddess: I agree on both counts.

Susan: Those pioneer women had to tough out a lot of things we don't have to tough out these days. I wonder if that doctor rode a horse to work that day.

10/01/2006 02:10:00 PM  
Blogger mjd said...

Chilled pee, why yes, I keep my urine right next to the eggs, cheese, and butter in the fridge. Doesn't everyone?

10/01/2006 02:51:00 PM  
Blogger Minka said...

Oh my did you manage to pee into that bottle, I mean the opening is not that big ???

and doctors? I am nto that big of a fan either. Thankfully, I have little occasion to go and see one.
But a couple of days a go I had my yearly check up and invasive is all I cna think off!

I hope you did manage to do your business and get outa there as soon as possible :)

10/01/2006 04:00:00 PM  
Blogger Karmyn R said...

Well - you can always pretend that you are drinking one of those new "Crystal Light" thingys....the little packets that are sized right for bottled water.

10/01/2006 08:10:00 PM  
Blogger Pamela said...

I say " no" to the scales.
I'm tough - they don't dare make me weigh.

as for peeing in a cup -- soup mug... O(:


10/01/2006 10:20:00 PM  
Blogger Silly Hily said...

Blogger is eating my comments dang it.
So, the only time I've been to the doc recently (thank goodness) was b/c I was pregnant. One time, for some very odd reason, I could not pee in the cup. I finally got a little tinkle out but wasn't sure if it was enough. B/c how much do they actually need?
My sister is a nurse at my OB's office so I called her from my cell while I was still sitting on the pot to tell her to go in the lab and check and see if I left them enough pee. She laughed so hard at me.

So, I'm going to have to ask her about the "chilled" stuff b/c yeah, it's surely not that way when it comes out.

10/02/2006 11:45:00 AM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

MJD: Gives a whole new meaning to cleaning out the fridg, doesn't it?

Minka: I was wondering how long it would take for someone to ask that question. Does funnel ring a bell? Just kidding.

KarmynR: Great idea. Just hope no one asks for a sip of Crystal Light.

Pamela: Soup mug! Sounds like you're a pro and always prepared.

SillyHily: Blogger is eating everything today. Just glad my computer was still here. Great visualization with you on the phone, on the pot, calling your sister in the lab.

10/02/2006 03:09:00 PM  

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