Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hanstory #1

One of my categories on my GLOB will be "Hanstories."

VENT: belch, breathe, discharge, eject, emanate, emit, expel, explode

I need to VENT.
Not as in: The dryer VENT is so full of lint we could make a quilt.
But as in: If I don't VENT, I may explode.

Here is Hanstory #1: (There will be many.)

My husband has many talents. One of them being the manner in which he can antagonize a waitress. I've tried to figure out his thought process while he's determining what to order and have come to the conclusion, "There Isn't One." Keep in mind this is a man whose favorite meal is fried Spam and creamed corn. So, why is it so difficult for him to make a choice from a menu?
E-V-E-R-Y-S-I-N-G-L-E-T-I-M-E ?
There have been occasions when I felt my life was in danger sitting at the same table with him, looking into the eyes of an exasperated waitress, who is within easy reach of the knives on our table.
After much interrogation, with questions ranging from types of salad dressings to where and when was the halibut "captured" . . . and how. . . to the color of the sauce on the pasta (and being reminded once AGAIN that, "Yes, the marinara is the red one."), he takes a breath to continue. The waitress takes advantage of this opportunity and interjects, "Sir, I'm only here to take your drink order." She casts a look of utter despair my way, and I quickly ask for a glass of wine - any wine - whatever bottle the bartender can reach first. And, would she bring it NOW?
He begins to peruse a list of no less than 20 micro-brews, not to mention any number of the bottled variety. Thank goodness he is seated with his back to a chalkboard filled with the names of the daily concoctions or we could be here for breakfast.
"Ma'am, just go ahead and bring two glasses of that wine while you're at it, please."
She gives me a sly smile of relief, quick wink and is off and running before he realizes she has left the premises. His questions continue in her absence.
When she returns with two glasses of Beringer Zinfandel (yes, I am a cheap date), I gulp several swallows of the peach-colored "wine," stand up, and excuse myself to the ladies' room in order to escape the next barrage of questions about the beer.
"what color" "how dark" "how light" "ale" "stout" "lager" "wheat" "bottled" "brewed" "cost" "size" "which one tastes more like Shiner Bock?" You get the point !
(When someone asks me what kind of beer I like, my answer is, "COLD." )
By the time I return to the table, he is finally ordering.
He says: "I'll have an Alaskan Amber."
She says: "Sir, we don't serve Alaskan Amber."
He says: "Well, what kind of place is this anyway."
It's always a new experience when dining with him, but some things never change. The manner in which he taste-tests his food or drink by a little smacking of the lips, looking up to the right, then up to the left, tilting his head ear-to-shoulder to one side, then ear-to-shoulder to the other. Very much like an authentic food critic. Not a yes, not a no, just a back-and-forth motion. He crinkles his nose and says, "It's. . . ok." E-V-E-R-Y-S-I-N-G-L-E-T-I-M-E
It is my policy to always order after he does and to also order an entree that is totally different from him. Waitresses do have that special opportunity to seek revenge and spit on your food. I don't want her to confuse who ordered what.
By the time our waitress manages to answer all his questions, listens to all his suggestions about preparation, and document his order, most of the wait staff has meandered by our table just for a look/see . . . then sigh with relief that we weren't seated at any of their tables. I know that by now we are the talk of the kitchen and all of the tables around us.
Now, seemingly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, the waitress tries to smile (it resembles a snarl), looks at me, and with a quiver in her voice asks, "And what will you be having tonight, ma'am?"
With no hesitation, I reply, "I'll have the fried Spam and cream corn, please."

Stay tuned for: "How much do I leave for a tip?"



Blogger willowtree said...

My father used to be like that, he was a pain in the arse too.

In his mind he was engaging the waitress, the rest of the world saw it as making an already difficult job that little bit harder.

8/24/2006 10:29:00 PM  
Blogger ozgarth said...

Sounds like a most discerning man - after all he is married to you!!

8/25/2006 12:13:00 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Oh why?!?!? Why? Why? Why? There is a man in my life, I won't mention any names other than it is not McD, that does the same thing. He KNOWS that his favorite restaurant doesn't carry 7up but he asks for it every.single.time. Oh, that poor waitress. He asks about the preparation and portion sizes as well. MEN!!! Gotta love 'em, can't kill 'em. Well, you could but that wouldn't be as much fun.

8/25/2006 06:04:00 AM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

WillowTree: I'm glad YOU know what's in his mind...and the next time we are out to dinner, I'll explain to the waitress that he's engaging her. I'm sure s/he'll understand.
Ozgarth: I looked up discerning:
to recognize as different... I'm taking your comment as a compliment. I love being different.
Julie: Is that what it is...FUN?

8/25/2006 10:58:00 AM  
Blogger Pamela said...

My kids always got embarassed because I spoke up if the food was cold.. or something wasn't right.

I think they do that more now since they are adults --

But I try never to be upset with the server, since they didn't do the cooking.

Your Vent would be a good storyline in one of the prime time sit coms I never watch.

8/25/2006 02:11:00 PM  
Blogger Debs said...

I can not wait to see "how much to tip". At least you never have a dull moment ;)

8/25/2006 03:46:00 PM  
Blogger tqflasher said...

O.K. . this made me absolutely laugh out loud. . . helps a lot being able to picture the object of the story no doubt! I think this section of the blog may be my favorite part!!! You do know Ray Ramauno (sp?) wrote about his life and made a FORTUNE!!! I think Pamela may be right, and we're looking at the next Bill Gates. . . I know you certainly have enough tidbits to keep you going for awhile Swampwitch!!! Ha!!

Hmmmmmm. . . . got me thinking too. So do you think McDreamy has some quirks of his own too?? Ha!

Spam anyone??

8/25/2006 04:33:00 PM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

Pamela: If my Vent Story was on one of the Prime Time Sit-Coms would you watch it then? Which one?

Debs: You are correct. It's not dull...sometimes it gets a little out-of-hand.

Ozgarth: Can you give me a clue as to your identity?

8/25/2006 04:35:00 PM  
Blogger ozgarth said...

Maybe I am your first international contributor!

8/25/2006 05:05:00 PM  
Blogger Karmyn R said...

Great post!

My husband doesn't order food like that - but he does with beer. We live in Oregon - microbrew capital. Every time he ask to ask "what's on tap", "What's bottled," on and on and on - Alaskan Amber is a good beer, but he usually tries to order a Pilsner.

8/25/2006 06:26:00 PM  
Blogger willowtree said...

Sorry ozgarth, but that would be me.

8/26/2006 05:59:00 AM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

TQ Flasher: It's time for a clue so I can identify you. Thanks for the compliment and yes there are plenty of tibdits (see how I spell?) for our own Sit Com.
Please pass the SPAM.

Ozgarth: I stay confused enough without your help. Thanks for letting me know "to whom I am speaking."

KarmynR: Please don't mention Pilsner to my husband. That's just another choice he'll have to choose from.

To future students:
Check out my comments in the Multiple Intelligence Post if you are interested in enrolling in
SWAMPWITCH'S Multiple Personalities Class...

8/26/2006 07:35:00 AM  
Blogger librarygoddess said...

I have met this man and it is all true!!!! God bless his sweet heart.

8/26/2006 12:46:00 PM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

Library Goddess: Yes, your initiation was the invitation...

8/27/2006 06:19:00 AM  
Blogger tqflasher said...

Hmmmmmm. . . . a clue huh? How about, the fact we share a love of fine wine, good tequilla, and Statler Brothers concerts?

8/27/2006 11:13:00 AM  
Blogger Swampwitch said...

TQFlasher: OK, Darlin'...I hear you loud and clear. That was

8/27/2006 11:17:00 AM  
Blogger Pioneer Woman said...

Swampwitch!!! You're a blogger!

I'm so thrilled. And I knew I was in trouble with Marlboro Man when we went out to an Italian restaurant when we were dating. His linguini came to the table and as he fumbled with it, his frustration grew. Finally, he leaned over and said angrily, "How the hell is a person supposed to eat this?"

As a person who will eat anything at anytime, it stumps me.

8/27/2006 09:03:00 PM  

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